Missing My Mom; One Year Anniversary of Her Death
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Missing Mom; One Year Anniversary of Her Death
Today is the year anniversary of my Mother’s death. I have been up all night as this day is particularly hard for me. I am perhaps one of the lucky ones because it is only a hard day and has not been a particularly hard month. Being moderately ill during the Holidays helped has given me perspective for this day. I thought I might just sail through the one year anniversary of my Mother’s death. I thought it might not affect me. After all I have done a tremendous amount of working in this last year to build a better life for my son and myself. But I miss her still. Over the last year I have found myself so many times wanting to tell her something or when the telephone rings I am certain it is her calling me. In the last five days of her life, and my Mother was extraordinarily sick, she still managed to call me.
My Mother Rang Thrice!!
Actually my Mother called me at least three times a day even when I was in graduate school. And while I was exceptionally busy in graduate school, even during exam week I spoke to my Mother three times day. I still did it. My Mother was my most consistent caller in my life.
The Baby Hugger
When I had my son as a single parent, my Mother was there and fully embraced her job as Nana. She would dance with my infant son in her arms through the night. And she did this every single night of his first year in which he was on a heart monitor that frequently went off. My Mother also thought I was weird to make all of my son’s baby food but I refused to feed him Gerber. My Mother swore by Gerber and would try and feed my child bootleg Gerber when she watched him. Fortunately my son preferred his own homemade baby food. And because my son was on a heart monitor and was at high risk of Apnea he slept in the bed with me. My son is and has always been a warm fuzzy kind of person. So I would hold him all night long when he was an infant. This created the phenomena of the baby hugger. My Mother loved holding my son because he was so loving in the day but to be able to hold the baby and be the official baby hugger was my Mother’s great aspiration. She official left her husband, my step father’s bed, for years to sleep in the bed with me to just have a shot at the baby hugging job. And while my son loved his Nana, I am his Mom and the official baby hugger so he didn’t readily hug her in her sleep. It took her years to get him to hug her while she slept. And honestly there were many nights in which my son would take up the whole bed and leave my Mother and I to sleep elsewhere.
But my Mom and my son’s Nana was so fetching in that she spent years getting my son to hug her in his sleep. And it is those things I miss about her most. I never gave it much thought about having to hug my son when he slept. The boy wanted to be hugged so I hugged him. My Mother relentless picked on me, claiming my son climbed back into the womb every evening when he entered into the bed. And he was as brutal to sleep with as he was to carry. But it was so important to my Mom that she be the baby hugger. And she kept insisting on this job even after she was diagnosed with cancer. I thought it was a bad idea. But the oncologist told me it was perfectly safe as my Mother was in remission.
Mom’s First Fondue Experience
For years before my Mother was diagnosed with rectal cancer she wouldn’t eat. It made for a very unhappy household between my step father and myself because we didn’t eat unless my Mother did. We believed in the evening super. And my Mother refused to eat for years before she was actually diagnosed. We are German and don’t readily go to the doctor. I think we often believe the cure is worse then the disease. And we also believe the body is quite capable of healing itself. So we really don’t go to the doctor unless we are doubled over in pain. Loss of appetite is not a symptom to us but a wonderful dieting opportunity.
But I noticed before my Mother was diagnosed she was too thin. And I could smell the cancer. She was told by the step father’s best friend/ her physician she had hemorrhoids. I didn’t believe this but quietly kept trying to come up with inventive ways of enticing her to eat. The more elaborate the meal the more leverage I would have to get her to eat.
So I would cook foods from all around the world and go into these elaborate dinners in order to just get my Mother to eat something. Not to mention the step father was a lot less cranky when he had food on his plate.
One night I fixed her Fondue and I have to say she enjoyed it but she was not a fan of what it did to her. We had no idea she had rectal cancer at the time and it whipped right through he pipes and cleaned her out at once. I had warned her in advance not to eat too much fondue but as usual she told me she could handle herself. Mom never really had colon cancer. It was all just rectal cancer that metastasized.
Mom Was Cool
Whether it was watching the triple crown and picking the horses which we did each year or if it was trading commodities between hurricanes when our town was completely destroyed, Mom was cool. She had me cal the NYSE and the Chicago board and trade Orange Juice contracts between hurricane Francis and Wilma. Mom/Nana/ the baby holder was so ambitious she wanted to study for her series 65 which is her certified financial planners license but Mom was a procrastinator. So she took me on a fake holiday in which we sat in hotel rooms and studied for the series 65. I thought I was in for a real vacation but my Mom needed me to pace her studying. Of course she procrastinated and entertained my son and I ended up studying the entire time but she had a good time. And then she would get mad at me if I got higher scores then her on the practice tests. I was the only one studying of course I received higher marks on the practice tests.
Mom Owned Christmas
There wasn’t a year in which my Mother didn’t own Christmas. She wasn’t much of a homemaker and that was always my responsibility but she owned Christmas. And it began as soon as you could pull your body off the coach after Thanksgiving. We would always have one of the best decorated homes and everyone loved being in our home during the holidays.
I recognize I will have to start owning Christmas for my son now but I wasn’t ready this year.
Mom The Competitor
I can’t say why my Mom was the ultimate competitor perhaps it was because she had a diabetic sister and the only ways she could get any attention was to do extraordinary things but my Mother was the ultimate competitor. I never really understood this about her except that it was her. Being brought up in New York and a talented Dancer she was a regular on American Band Stand which her parents forbid. When they found out they moved her down to Florida to this small town we still reside in when she was 15. As one of the first Yankee’s in Florida they would make fun of her accent and make her read aloud in class. My Mother learned immediately to speak southern. And after her Yankee education, Mom didn’t have to study too hard in the South. At 19 she lost her entire family with in months. Only her older brother and sister survived and they were 19 years apart so my Mother had to bury everyone by herself. She was the first lady of the town in which I lived. She was an avid Tennis player and ran tournaments. My Mom even intentionally faked her Tennis performance so she would be placed on the B team as an Ace player so she could dominate the courts and win tournaments.
I remember when I was a teenager and in gymnastics my Mom insisted I do a front hand spring. I am about four inches taller then my Mother was. I didn’t think the physics were there. And I knew I had reached a height in which I would not be able to compete as a gymnast. And yet my Mother insisted I dominate the gym team. And at 41 years of age she did a front hand spring right through the living room. I have to say my jaw was on the floor when she did it and I wondered if she might break a bone. Afterwards my Mother told me to stop being a sissy and do the front hand spring as it was only mind over matter. I did do the front hand spring but was still released from the gymnastics team for being too tall. My Mother wanted to fight it but I knew the physics were there and so did the gymnastics coach. Besides I didn’t want my Mother to throw another floor routine in the living room at 41 years old. There was no sense in anyone getting hurt over the laws of physics.
Mom hated to be a loser which seemed preposterous to me my entire life since I viewed life as a series of losing events until I died. I just thought there were opportunities in losing to learn. Mom couldn’t have disagreed with me more and there was nothing worse then she hated then a loser especially if it were herself.
The $150 Garden Club Project
My Mother also belonged to Garden Club and we had gardens but she was a fierce competitor when given the opportunity. So there was a fruit/flower arrangement. This was back in the late 1970(s) and early 1980(s). My Mother was unemployed at the time and worked on this flower/fruit/vegetable arrangement for weeks. So much so she would get it to where she would like it but the food was spoiled. It was a daily enterprise this arrangement in our lives in which we would all look at it and wonder. And my Mother was never satisfied with the arrangement either. She always saw a way to improve it. Everything in our lives stopped for this competition and my Mother was determined to win it. By the time she was done I remember Irises and an egg plant in it. She did win but it was hundreds of hours of work and $150 in flowers and food for this arrangement. After my Mother came home with the prize she quit the Garden Club as she decided it was best to go out on top. To this day I can not figure out what was so extraordinary about this arrangement but for the diversity of things she used in it and my Mother’s relentless pursuit of the award.
I really offend my Mother when I was perplexed by her ambition and I asked if arrangements were wasteful. I think she told me if i had be raised in New York like I should have been I would be cultured enough to understand the inportance of flower arranging.
As I Am Closing In On the Hour of Her Death
I must admit I miss those little quirky things that made my Mother the person who she was. I was never ambitious because I knew my Mother was served two helpings and she would always push and drive me so hard to conquer and that is not who I am at all. My son misses being fought over and having Nana his second Mother to fight over him. Now he has just me who is with him each day. And I have to say as much as I miss my Mom but I am enjoying my time with my son.
Someone told me I shouldn’t hug my son in public. And as this time passes I will hold him and hug him as much as he needs to get through this time because it is hard on both of us.
We lost someone who was never sick a day in her life and could do front hand springs through the house in her 40(s). I personally stopped doing hand springs all together when I learned I was 3 months pregnant. We miss that person in our lives who laid siege to everything that lied in her path. And someone by all measures was in conquerable until she was taken by rectal cancer.
In Conclusion
I tried to write a witty poem about all of this but this is not witty. And then I thought I could make it seem beautiful but death isn’t beautiful. It is apart of life to accept we are all here temporarily. So since all of your have been so kind to share at least half a year of grief with me, I thought I would share the anniversary, which no one wants which is a death anniversary but with some of the little happy moments of our life before the Cancer came in and took away our good sport.
My Mom is resting in peace now if not over throwing heaven or perhaps even hell. But Mom was well loved with us. My son and I will get through this day and perhaps next year we will not even notice the day but we will never stop missing Mom/Nana/The Ultimate Baby Hugger.
I want to thank all my HP friends who have helped me through this time. It has been an incredible journey through grief through writing. In hind sight it may not be the best time to start right after my Mother’s death but it has helped me heal a bit.
Related Links
- Birthing Death
A poem about loss and try to be reborn through the loss of a loved one in which it is entitled Birthing Death. - The Day I Broke Down
A story of loss, grief and renewal. - Grief and Coping after Death of a Family Member for the Child who is Non-Verbal with Autism.
How to help a non verbal child to cope in grief after the death of a family member. - Primary Caregiver Dealing with Family Member's Cancer.
This inforative article provides advice to primary caregivers while managing their loved ones cancer. - Caner Origins
This article explores the etiology of Cancer.
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Glad to have read you again. Cheer up! Mom wants you to continue writing and you can do it!
LORD
Hello Ubani,
Yes, perhpas one day we will find the elxixir of life and suffer no more but until then we must find a way to transcend suffering. As I am certain you are already aware I do it through writing.
Ubani I am already forging ahead with new field research I am conducting. I am on haitus from HP but upon reading your work took a break from my Haitus. I must persist and I do. But finding a new normal and a new happiness will be the most difficult.
My Mother was a star since she was a young child. I have always been more of the intellectual one.
Thank you for reading and for your kind words. I have always believed in a higher power except through this and then I have felt very alone.
This Hub is created as a living memorial to my deceased Mother so she may always live atleast on the Internet.
My Best to You My Friend!!
JT
Wow! Jt, you ve touched my heart with this sad but magnificent tale and fond experiences.
It is such a sad thing that death calls when we lest expect and the fact that illness persist saddens my heart.
We all take refuge in God and pray that one day our pains will be erased and death will be no more.
May God grant you the will to forge ahead.
Be blessed
Hi Cred2,
The same goes to you my friend if you ever make it to Florida, an open invitation awaits you. I am on the eve of a child support enforcement hearing which is 12 years over due. Despite being able to talk to a dean of one of the law schools in Florida I was unable to retain counsel so I am going in alone. And while I write mean briefs I am not a litigator.
If I get the 12 years of back support I could visit you sooner then later.
One of the papers is already wrote without the discussion and results. The study will need to be complete before it can be finalized. And by any measure it is well researched but is only a draft. I will have to go over it many times before I submit it for publication.
Cred2, you give me hope. Because we come from completely different prespectives and yet we can be friends and civilized and support each other. Why can't the rest of the country follow suit? Admittedly, I hang with Democrats alot and they are always surprised when I tell them I am Republican but old guard Republican not neo-con. I really enjoy our interactions and would love to meet you one day as I consider you a good friend.
Maybe you should run for office.
Back to being a boring Scientist but I think I have made two discoveries. I actually am pretty certain about the third as well but I will not be able to prove it this year. It is funny to me that everyone believes the greatest research is done by corporations. We are a low budget unfunded research project and we are still making discoveries everyday. Low budget RND. I have never been funded as a research unless I was on someone else's team. And yet the work still gets done.
Wish me well in court tomorrow. I went ex-partiate (sp?) on them and I am pro se and I am certain my client is an idiot:-).
One of us will have to make it to the other to meet.
You give me strength friend and a great deal of hope for this country.
JT
JT, I have been a bit indisposed lately, I am glad that you have found a meaningful occupation to take up your time. You would be amazed at how much value those family heirlooms retain. We have a century old tea set that we have been taking good care of. I am most certain that the communities identified as those of people of color are grateful for your assistance. Well, I want to say as to friendship, the feeling is mutual and I extend to you an open invitation to come visit if your path come in this direction. I'll miss yur political discourse, but you know what is best. Hope that you can post an article or two periodically in any case.
Hi Friend,
I think they also shot in New York but I can't say for certain as I just knew she was on American Bandstand as a contract dancer and skipping school.
Cred2 since I wrote this and the day after the anniversary of her death I have returned to my field research. I am back into Science again and I am working on two field studies with a colleague and the papers to match.
I showed my family heirloom to a visitor today no doubt a Democratic friend and she really wants me to publish a book about it as it is American History. She was amazed. This was the friend I wrote to you about that is going to let me help minorities in Science Fair projects because minorities are under represnted in Science. I am very excited about volunteering, my research and perhaps I will start that book as soon as I wrap up the research projects. We had three as a goal but it only looks as if we will accomplish two of the three in the next nine months with presentations and papers.
I realy appreciate your friendship Cred2. You know when you lose a loved one somehow other people come into your life and fill that void. You are a true friend and I really appreciate you. Perhaps if I get these papers published in professinal journals (They will edit me)I will finally finish my PhD and then visit you in Hawaii my friend.
Mom was a wild woman and I loved her for it. I am more of the bookworm of the family and less competitive.
We are Brooklyn's finest.
Thanks Cred2. I don't think I am going to be sent a ballot for the primary so I will not be able to vote in the general election. That means I may not write anymore political hubs.
I realy do hope someday we get to meet.
Thanks for being my friend.
JT
JT, your account is quite a eulogy to your mom. It is easy to see how close you were and how difficult is must have been when she left you.
You mentioned American Bandstand back in the early days the show was set in Philadelphia, it is too bad that maybe you could have a chance to get a glimpse of her in her 'poodle skirt' on some video tape or maybe there could be a snippet or two on the web.
Anyway this was a most interesting read and my condelences go to you and your son on the loss of "Nana"
Hi alex001,
We all go through this in life. And I am healing so don't feel sorry for me. I am blessed with such a good HP family that has helped me through this. Thank you though for your kind words.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
JT
Hi,
I am sorry for you.. I would like to give my best wishes to your son. May god bless you and your son....
Taking the reins and taking charge! Yes! just as she would have wished!
Hi CIndy,
Actually I am working on several research projects right now and I am trying to correspond with my field researcher. I am also meeting with a Science foundation to start work with them and I have several other projects including a Science fiction novel I am working on.
Thank you your words mean alot. I wasn't certain I had any strength left in me until the positive memories with my Mom broke through the last several years of hardship. And my son is a great motivator. I want to be a better person each day for him. I came as close to death as I care to for a while and I am rebuilding my life each day.
But I don't know if I will ever have her tenacity. We really were the ying and yang of Mother/daughter relations but maybe I will now get some of her motivation and start defining myself outisde of being my Mother's dughter but with great love and reverence for my deceased Mother.
I just wish she had left me journals like I am leaving my son. But we were different people and yet the same which allowed us to be so close without colliding.
Thank you Cindy. I am being a new chapter of my life now and what and how I write it will be very telling of who I am.
It is the first time I will have had a life outside of being my Mother's apprentice and daughter so it is time I take the reins and lead.
Thanks you again.
JT
Well, J.T., I am wishing for you what I am almost certain that she would wish as well. May you inherit her tenacity and strength, and make it your own. Use it to build a life for you and your son. She would so love that!
-Cindy
Hello dipless,
Thank you and I know the good memories give me a great deal of strength.
As previously stated I thought it might be too personal of an article but it is about surviving great loss and what substains a person through their despair.
Thank you for reading and commenting again.
JT
JT this is a lovely tribute and I was very touched by this. Stay positive and it sounds like she was a very strong woman and you have inherited that trait.Thank you for sharing this, hope time comforts you a little.
Thanks Lord,
We grew up speaking GErman as well but I think they call it Yiddish in this country. We were never allowed to tell anyone but now days everyone speaks another language so it is all good.
Lord my Mom is probably angry she is not around for her grandson who she wrestled to get to hold at night. The woman was fiesty. But I am a shadow of her and my son is as well so she must feel and see something on Earth. She promised ot haunt me if she died and I have been waiting because my Mother kept her word.
My Mother would tell me to protect her baby referring to my son and she would tell me to take anyone who stood in my way. She was an extremely strong woman and very much so in love with her grandson. So much ambition, strength and love from one person is amazing to me. And she took a piece of us with her when she died but I am certain that she must be with us as well although not haunting yet.
But it is good to remember the good things because in a prolonged painful illness that lasts for years the good memories fade. At first after death all you remember is the pain and suffering because it is so profound and death is an awakening. I am certain of it.
JT was fetching, loving and a legend in her own right. I am only the apprentice that writes a living memorial of all the things she would have wanted to say in her life and did say to me but wouldn't share with the world. I thought her perspecitve was great.
I thought I detected German in your linguistic schemes. I have had four years of French which means I can eat and order great wine in Paris. I also like to shop there as well. I would have to say Italian is probably my best language but I do Hebrew, Arabic (no for the government but I just recognized I understood Arabic when we went to war with Iraq)and a few of the Asian languages. I pride myself on not being proficient in any language and I have noticed the more langugaes you have the worse your spelling becomes because you lose phonetics. Oh yeah, I do Spanish as well. My Autistic son even has receptive Spanish, Greek and Latin.
It is all Math to me.
Thanks Lord. Post your hub on FB so I can catch it as well as I am really on break. I have to field a few opportunities this week and I have court this month and I have to prepare.
I always enjoy hearing from you. Thanks for your words they mean a lot as this is very close to my heart and it took me over 6 months to reveal this to everyone.
Get some rest!!
JT
Hi JT,
Finally I caught up with you! I was so busy in my won things that thanks to FB, I got hold of your mom's Hub. My GodFather was Swiss and in a way, he would speak German or French. That was the beginning of my getting use to languages. I know your mom is being missed, but you know what she would've been saying right now..as you finish this homage...you tell me!! probably would tell you that she is fine and want to make sure you and your son are doing good. Glad to read your mom, this way I can know the real JT behind that portrait. And I see you in Cleveland, when you were a child, and I see your mom! Strong but compassionate. Thanks for sharing this hub...I cannot lie, you know better your mom and what you wrote is enough for me to understand your grief.
LORD
I wish you and your son a Happy New Year as well :)
homesteadbounf,
Hello homesteadbound,
You nailed it she was a force of nature and she was a tiny woman of about 4 feet who weighed barley 100lbs wet. When I would mention her small stature she would tell me she would kick people in the shins and bit them in the knees if anyone got in her way.
And she had so much ambition and was so competitve she would not sit second chair to anyone since they put her in the orchestra as a child and made her play second chair violin. I would tell her but you were a child prodigy in an orchestra and she would answer, "But they made me sit second chair."
Her dream was for me to complete my PhD. I am not even certain I would have attended graduate school if she had not pushed me so hard. I believe good things ocme to people who work hard, diligently and silently. And my Mom believe good things happened to people who demanded and took them. She was the ying and I was the yang in our relationship and her life defined my life in so many ways that when she died I was without defition. I am only now finding my way back to discovering who I am without her.
In my son's baby book there is a picture of me holding my son in the NICU unit and a picture of my Mother and besides the hair color you can't tell the difference between us. We also had identical voices. There were only about three people who could tell the difference between her and I when we spoke on the telephone. This served both of us in life as we could conduct each others business without anyone knowing.
Mothers and their first daughters share a very unique relationship. I was always my Mother apprentice in every endeavor just as back up and she was my apprentice with my son. We were interchangeable people except she had the ambition and I was an intellectual which to her meant I was an exceedingly boring person and very compliant.
For me when she died it was like taking the moon out of the sky and I have had to learn to live without her but I remember the good times now and I haven't remembered those in years because her Cancer consumed us.
All of these hubs are a living memorial to my Mother as I write under her name to keep her immortal. She believed a lot of things I write here but she would never tell anyone for fear of giving them insight into her or being rejected for her ideas. I thought her beliefs made her interesting.
Finally my Mother would have said, "Adversity builds character and you are the biggest character I know.".
She was in conquerrable until she was consumed by cancer. But I remember her fondly and my son and I are now moving forward without her. I am not going to say it doesn't still hurt. It does but at least I am remembering the good things now.
Thanks for reading and for all your kind words. This is a dark subject but I want people to know they can survive death. Because for a long time I felt despair. I feel it occassionally but not as much now.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
JT
Hello lobobrandon,
I intentionally mentioned the good things because that is all we have left when we lose someone...the love we shared. It was meant for everyone to savor those beautiful moments together while they are still here.
Everything was fun with my Mom because she was so fetching and competitive. And yes, the holidays were alot of fun but I have to say I would have appreciated being a little less industrious right after Thanksgiving. But my Mom had so much ambition it was on to the next holiday and she loved the industry of entertaining during the holidays.
It is good to share the fond memories of my Mother. So much of the last two years were consumed by cancer that we didn't have good times. So it is nice to remember before she was ill.
Thanks for reading and I am glad you are my friend and I was allowed to share this with you.
Happy New Year!!
And it is one yeara and day now.
JT
Your mother sounds like she was a true force to be reckoned with. No wonder you miss her so much. This was a wonderful tribute to someone who obviously left a very big hole in you and your son's life. Blessings to you and your son as you continue to grow through this adversity.
I did find it nice but didn't mention it as I thought you wouldn't want me to say I enjoyed reading because it is a sad occassion. But the baby hugger part was nice and all the adventures you'll had together were really awesome. Christmas would surely have been a blast at home right :)?
Hi lobrandon,
I thought it might and I thought maybe I shouldn't write it as it was not a positive hub but survival after the death of a loved one is positive. And I bet others are going through the same thing I am and they may draw strength from knowing others survive it.
It didn't make you laugh a little about the front hand spring through the living room or her faking her ranking in tennis to win the touranment or her confounded flower arrangement which included an egg plant? I thought those were pretty funny things to share and my Mother would have wanted me to share them if they helped one person survive the lose of a loved one.
The baby hugger story didn't make you laugh? And what is so funny is it is all true my friend. No one could make up such adventures.
I am just gald to have my HP community to share it with even though it is a bit personal. It is a story of survival.
Lobrandon her ending was very bad but probably because hse was so in conquerrable as a human being. She hated not being able to cheat death the most and leaving my son.
Thanks my friend.
JT
John,
I can guarantee it. And it is funny the things you remember. I only wished my Mother had left me a letter to read at this point. I have written one for my son in the event I die so he can read it after I am gone. I actually have journals for him.
HP has been great even when I have been grieving. I will try to keep writing but I am being granted other opportunities now that I will have to pursue as well.
Thanks John.
JT
JT - I hope that when my time comes, my children will feel the same way about me. What a fine tribute
I hope Hubpages has made your life better. Keep writing - John
This is a very touching hub. It saddens me but all I can say is that it's a life worth lived. Be positive and look at the positive I know its easy to say but all I can do is say - it was better than her suffering. I'm sure she suffered much more than she let you know.
JT Walters Hub Author 3 months ago
Hi Lord,
I have been on Haitus doing field research. It should take about 4 months to complete and I am writing a curriculum so that will take a while as well.
I am trying to cheer up but I am in the thick of it with my research. Good news is I don't have time to play bubble witch!! Bad news is I really don't have time to play at all.
And my son has been sick recently and is stil recovery so I have a few minutes to spare here and there. Last nigth he wanted me to explain Chagell to him at 2 am. He didn't feel well and was up and wanted an explanation of Chagell's work especially the Blue Bride. You know how it is D with long hours parenting and still trying to work with illness on top of that. It is a lot.
But I will try to fit writing in with everything else as it is alot of fun.
It was also nice to hear from you!!
All My Best,
JT